Good Intentions
by PockySquirrel
Summary: Companion piece to Sweet Chaos's For Now. So read that first, or this won't make any sense! Set between chapters 3 and 4...what was Touma thinking? Let's hear his side of the story, shall we? Rated for language and implied sex.


A/N: Stop. Before you start reading, have you read "For Now" by Sweet Chaos? If not, go read it first, or this will make no sense whatsoever. If so, you may proceed. This is Touma's POV between chapters three and four. Enjoy!

* * *

He falls asleep as soon as it's over, and I know instantly that the minute he wakes up, he's going to regret what we did. I'm not so sure how I feel about it, myself.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

"It just happened" is the excuse people use for this sort of thing, right? A simple three-word phrase that they use to absolve themselves when sex goes wrong and they have to suffer the consequences. Looking back on today's events, it would be so easy to say that "it just happened." Blame it on proximity, misinterpreted friendship and teenage hormones. But I'm not fooled. It takes two to tango, after all. We were both present, and we were both willing. At the time, at least.

I didn't take advantage of him.

Right?

Ha. That's a load of bullshit and I know it. As big a lie as "It just happened." Of course I took advantage of him…he didn't have a clue what he was getting himself into, and I did. It's logic, as simple as X implying Y. If X implies to Y that he doubts his sexual orientation, Y is gay and they end up in bed together, it's obviously Y's fault. Logic. Now factor in that neither of us have romantic feelings for each other at all and X is freaking out over his crush on unrelated variable Z, and now I'm not only to blame for what happened, I'm to blame for ruining my friendship with him. Not to mention wreaking further havoc _if_ he and Shin ever actually do get together and _if _Shin ever finds out.

I've got to get out of here and figure this out.

He doesn't even stir when I shove him off of me and climb out of bed. He's probably exhausted, the poor guy. I know he hasn't been sleeping well lately. At least now I know why. Lucky me.

I'm not about to run the shower at this time of night. It's still early by my standards, but not by anyone else's, and I'm definitely not up to dealing with being snapped at for waking someone up. Nor am I prepared to answer the inevitable question "Why were you showering at one in the morning anyway?" So I just grab some clothes off the floor – they're probably dirty anyway, so it doesn't matter that I still smell like sex – and climb out the window onto the roof of Nasuti's front porch.

Everyone hates that I do this. They're worried about me for no reason, as usual. Contrary to popular belief, I'm _not _going to fall, or jump off. I mean, come on. That's just ridiculous. I can fight demons, but I can't be left unattended on the roof of a two-story house? Even if I did fall – which I won't – Tenku would catch me. And Shin is totally convinced that I'm going to give myself pneumonia or something, being outside in the cold all the time. I admit that I'd probably get sick if I was out all night in the kind of rain we've been having lately, but I don't even come out here when it's raining. There's no point; I can't see the stars when it's all clouded over. Thankfully, it seems like it's finally clearing up tonight, and even though it's still cold and damp out, I don't care. Sometimes a man just needs to go someplace and think, and the roof is my favorite place to do it.

For Shin, it's the kitchen. For Seiji, it's that tree in the backyard that he meditates under every day. And who the hell knows where Ryo runs off to when he needs to clear his head? I'm inclined to make a smartass remark about how Shuu doesn't go anyplace special to think because he _doesn't_ think. But I know that's not true. And if I hadn't known it already, I sure as hell would have found out today. No, he thinks, and I have a hunch he's smarter than we give him credit for. But he doesn't think about things the same way I do. Or anyone else, for that matter. Shuu's thoughts move in a straight line, point A to point B. He doesn't dwell on things, most of the time. He just deals with them as they come and then puts them aside. Question answered, problem solved, time to go eat. Simple and straightforward. So he doesn't need to spend an hour or two meditating every day, or stare into space while he's washing the dishes, or run away from everyone when he feels like he just can't deal with life anymore. He doesn't need to sit on the roof until dawn with his mind racing in counterproductive circles, staring at the stars until everything starts to make sense again. Or at least, hoping it will start to make sense again. I'd never admit it out loud, but I envy that about him.

Only now, Shin has completely disrupted his mental trajectory, and I've just made it worse.

What the hell was I thinking?

I'm not attracted to him, I'm certain of that. I almost wish I was, because then what happened tonight might actually make sense. Sure, there are endearing things about him. The way he fights me for the last slice of pizza. His surprisingly witty trash talk when we play video games together. His honesty. His innocence. He's genuinely awed over my intelligence, and tells me so without adding "Just think of how much you could accomplish if you only applied yourself." The bottom line is that he's just a damned nice guy. But would I call him hot? No. Had I ever even remotely considered the possibility of having sex with him before tonight? Hell no. It wasn't even that good. Not that I'm naïve enough to believe my first time was going to be the kind of earth-moving perfection people expect it to be, but it was enough to convince me that we don't have the chemistry to be anything other than friends.

There was no spark. But if there was no spark, then why did I keep going after that first kiss? Hell, why did I kiss him in the first place?

"_Hey Touma…what's it like to, you know, kiss another guy?"_

He was looking for an explanation, not a demonstration. But how the hell do you explain something like that?

"_Well, I imagine it's no different than kissing a girl. But I have no basis for comparison."_

"_You mean you've never…?"_

His look of surprise was so comical that I had to laugh.

"_I never saw the sense in it. I've always known I was attracted to other guys, so why would I bother with a girl?" _

His brow furrowed the way it always does when he's faced with something a bit too complex for his liking.

"_So if you've never kissed a girl, and I've never kissed a guy…how do we know if it's the same or different?"_

That was all the invitation I needed.

He was shocked, I could tell. He almost pushed me away, but he didn't. Instead, he just sat there, passive, as if he was considering something. And then he started kissing back. Not passionately, but like he had made a decision. Maybe he decided it wasn't so different from kissing a girl, after all. At the very least, he had decided kissing a guy wasn't so bad. I was surprised by that. His thinking is linear, after all, and the line between "I'm not gay!" and "I'm kissing another guy…I can live with that" is, pardon the pun, not very straight. Then I thought back to what he had said before, when I told him that Shin might return his feelings.

_"And what if he doesn't? Or what if he does and I'm just being stupid…I don't want to hurt him. And what if everything works out and…I'm not gay!"_

I realized he was looking for proof. He still didn't think he was gay, but he needed to prove to himself that he was at least capable of loving someone of his own gender before he would even consider pursuing Shin.

He needed someone to practice on.

And all of a sudden I wanted him more than I've wanted anything in my life.

It was so easy to tell myself I was only doing this for him. To help him figure things out. But there's no way in hell he would have chosen to figure things out by having sex with his best friend. I'm the one who made that decision. He trusted me. And I, literally and figuratively, fucked him over.

Shuu is the first and best friend I've had in my life, and trust has a lot to do with that. He trusted me enough to come to me and ask for my advice. He trusted me to help him. And there aren't very many people in this world that I trust at all, but I trust him implicitly. I trust him not to treat me differently because of my IQ. I trust him to not question or complain about it when I sleep till three in the afternoon, spend a few days living on pocky and soda, or leave clothes and books strewn all over the floor. I trust him to not worry about me falling off the roof at night.

I trust him not to hurt me.

And I wanted my first time to be with someone I knew I could trust.

Ah, yes, there's the real reason for what happened tonight. Typical, selfish, Touma. He needed my help and I used him. A cheap, safe, substitute for what – and who – I really want. I was afraid to get hurt, so I wound up hurting him instead. And now…I'm supposed to be a genius, but right now I feel damned stupid.

Why? Both of us got what we wanted, right? He got his proof, and I…got laid.

I'm okay with that. But I know him well enough to know he won't be.

Looks like I'm back where I started. Sure, I may have figured out why I did what I did, but it doesn't do me a whole hell of a lot of good now. It happened, and it can't be changed. And now things will get weird. So weird that I might lose my best friend. Hell, I deserve to lose him, after what I pulled. But he's not the kind of guy who abandons people easily, so I guess I can hope…

Yeah, right. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, after all. Way to fuck things up again, Touma. I just hope you can deal with the consequences this time.

Maybe there's something I can do to set things right. Well, as right as possible. There's no erasing something like this. It's been disturbing to see him depressed like he's been this week. I feel like the world won't be right until he's happy and careless again.

I guess happiness requires being with Shin now.

Hmm…I can work with that.


End file.
